A little less conversation, a little more action please

All this aggravation ain’t satisfactioning me

You need to do yourself a favor, go on the Tube of You and watch the scene from Live a Little, Love a Little where Elvis drops this sick beat. For those of you without access to a computer I will quickly describe the scene and sit here wondering how you can read this electronic drivel without an electronic device. Are these blogs being printed in 2-ply and handed out on street corners? Anyway, Elvis basically starts singing, grabs the girl’s coat and walks her out of the party for what we can only assume is a little more action and a lot less conversation.

I tried that once and lets just say that restraining orders can be quite, well, restraining :)

So, you ask yourself, what journey are you taking us on this Poets Day James?

Well today kids we are going to talk about Kiwi Sales Technique 101 more commonly known as “Let’s stop dancing and start fucking’ or ‘WIMFC’ (which stands for ‘Where is my fucking contract’).

As a highly underpaid Sales Monkey the quantity and quality of beer in my fridge directly relates to the deals I close. There is nothing more frustrating than continually dancing with a potential customer and never getting laid (figuratively and sometimes literally). I am of the opinion that I would rather not dance at all if all we are going to do is dance. If I wanted to dance I would be hanging out with NC State Dance Team wishing I could have made it as a cheerleader :). It is a bit like spending time in strip club thinking one of the entertaining ladies on stage will head home with you to gyrate on a different pole. If you want to piss money away and pretend you have a chance with Crystal the “teacher” who is just dancing to pay off her student loans and who would ‘really like to get to know you better in the back room with a personal dance’ then go for it but y’all are just dancing, ain’t no fucking going on. However, if there is you may want to run a virus scan as soon as you sober up, after you replace your wallet and watch.

Ok, back on point. Sales people sell shit, make money. If we don’t sell shit we don’t make money, simple really. We also only have a finite amount of time to sell shit what with getting to work at around 10:30am and leaving a 3pm when we are not playing golf or at wine tastings. But in those few hours a week that we actually make phone calls we don’t have time to dance, we need to get it on with as limited amount of foreplay as possible. We are more than willing to ask for the dance but when we drop the hotel room key at your table we are expecting you to pick it up and use it. If you don’t want the card then let us know so we can move on, it isn’t personal, it’s the game. I was married, I have heard “No” numerous times.

Funny thing about these blogs, sometimes something pops up at me when I am typing them (and no it didn’t happen when I was researching Crystal the stripper/teacher). Lets face it; most companies (well pretty much all of them) rely on sales monkeys to bring in the moola to pay for the people that do the actual work. So, Mr/Miss/Ms Person who I am looking to sell to, remember that if you don’t want to dance perchance to fuck then fine, just let us know. Sometimes dancing leads to something that night, maybe in a week, maybe in a month but if there is some intent then we will keep dancing. If there is never a chance of 15 minutes of fumbling and fun in the back seat of my Chevy Malibu then just let me know. I will make sure that the person that you are trying to sell to where I work treats your sales monkeys with the same respect. Last thing this planet needs (apart from an annoying orange with small appendages and a wig running a country) is a bunch of sales monkeys with blue balls.

A little more bite and a little less bark

A little less fight and a little more spark

Close your mouth and open your heart and baby satisfy me

Satisfy me baby

As usual the thoughts expressed here are purely mine and my parents apologize profusely for any offense (I don’t). The use of the word ‘Fuck’ in all blog posts is bought to you by the fact that it is a great word and so much better than ‘moist’. I mean you would much rather be fucked than moisted right :) That joke is a modification of the original joke from The English Language by David Donaldson, no Dane Cook action going on here – credit given where due.

Work hard, play hard and earn your inspiration  

Happy Poets Day